mmm... vomit

The other day I watched one of my favorites movies, The Shawshank Redemption. I have seen the movie probably 25 times. It is a great story of hope and redemption, something that is lacking in our culture and in movies today. And I noticed something new this time. You see I always follow the main character, Andy. This time the story of one of the other inmates really stuck out to me. His names is Brooks and he has been in prison most of his life. Later in the movie he gets paroled and the movie follows him for a while. He is in his seventies when he gets out. He lives in a half-way house for ex-cons. Bags groceries at the local grocery store. And he is miserable. All he can think about it committing a crime so he will get sent back to prison. The plot sticks with him as he struggles to adjust to a new life. And you cant help but be confused. He misses prison? He is free for the first time in over fifty years and he cant seem to live. Not being able to bring himself to commit a crime, he hangs himself in his room. Every time I watch that part it brings me to tears. How can someone who finally has freedom kill himself? Wouldn't you embrace life and start every morning by running and laughing as the sun rises and the day starts? I always dismissed it as just a movie and no one would really do that in his situation.

A couple days ago I was struggling with some stuff. Past things. You probably know what I'm talking about. When your past gets in the way of your future. God is doing some amazing things in my life and is starting to reveal his plans for me. And I find myself scared and living in fear. And I find myself thinking about how things used to be and longing for those days.

And it hit me. I'm Brooks. I know why Brooks killed himself. Why even in freedom he decided to end his life. Sometimes prison and bondage is all we know. And even as horrible as it is, it is familiar. Brooks had community in prison. He knew when he was going to eat and sleep. It was known to him. In a weird way it was safe.

I feel such a pull on my life. An excitement for the future. About how God is redeeming me and is going to use me in his plans for this world. But I also feel the pull of my past sometimes. As horrible as it was, it is familiar to me.

I have a dog named Maggie. She is an awesome dog. Never chews up stuff, always excited to see me, loves to cuddle and just hang with me. The only thing that is ever a drag is when shes sick. Every now and then she will just puke. So we go into the backyard so she can get it all out. And I have to stay with her or else after she is done she will start chowing down on her barf. Its pretty disgusting. I am reading through Proverbs right now. I was reading Proverbs 26:11 earlier, it says "As a dog returns to its vomit, so fools repeat their folly."

How messed up is that? We are convicted about things in our life, behaviors, relationships, sin. So we "vomit" them up and then submit to Gods will. How often do we find ourselves poking around that old vomit pile? In the face of ultimate freedom in Christ we return to the puke that living our own way brought.

Its funny, I remember watching Brooks in the movie and thinking what a waste. His friends called him "institutionalized". But you and I know he couldn't let go of his past. How much more deadly can it be for us?

I will not be ruled by my past. I will not live in fear or make decisions based on fear. I will not be institutionalized by this world. I hope you wont be also. Because we are free in Christ. Sometimes we forget that. And that can be deadly to our soul.

If you havent seen the movie I highly suggest you watch it. Better yet call me and I'll watch it with you.

Most importantly... LIVE FREE IN CHRIST!!!