awakenings

So I have been reading the book of Hebrews lately. Honestly it's taking longer than I thought. I have read it before but somehow not like this. Man what a book! When I think about Christ dying on the cross I usually think of the physical pain that he went through. And I also think of the emotional pain he went through. I guess the Passion of The Christ movie kinda helps make that part real. But I am starting to realize the spiritual pain that he must have went through. And how that was so much worse than the physical and emotional. I have always heard that he "was separated from the Father" when he died on the cross. How can he be separated? Number one, he is God. Number two, what would make God separate from his only son? What a strange question/statement Jesus cried on the cross. "My God, my God, why have you forsaken me? How did God forsake Jesus? I always thought that doesn't make sense, because Jesus died willingly. But now I start to understand how heartbreaking it must have been for God the Father to see his son like that. I realize that Jesus didn't just stand up and say "Yeah I'll take the blame for them, I'll take their sin". Somehow he BECAME our sin. And he was spared nothing in the way he died. It breaks my heart to to know that I play a part in that moment. That moment when Jesus became my sin. And because God can have no part of darkness and sin, he had to look away. And here's the kicker that really makes me want to fall on my face and groan. That I still choose to continue to be a part of that moment. That sometimes I make a mockery of the most special thing that has ever happened in all of existence.

Through no fault or doing of his own, Jesus felt more blame, hurt and abandonment that any of us will ever feel. And he did it so that we can have a relationship with him. I cant stand the fact that sometimes I still make him feel those feelings now.

I guess it has just really shocked me. This realization that he didn't just choose to die for us. But he took everything that came with it. Being one with his father and then being separated. Who would choose that? To be there in the beginning and then leave that relationship? What kind of love is this? The word love doesn't seem to fit.

I have received a lot of gifts over the course of my life. I have gotten video games and clothing and too many things to remember. But the coolest gift I have ever received from anyone is a really old pocket watch. When my great-grandpa was a kid his family was really poor. They were farmers and their lives changed from season to season based on the crops and livestock they grew. It was a hard way of life. By the time my great-grandpa was 4 years old he was working in the fields. Gifts just didn't happen, even for birthdays. And it always bothered my great-grandpas dad that he couldn't afford to buy his son a gift. When my great-grandpa turned 15 his dad came to him. He didn't speak, he wasn't a man of words. He gave him something wrapped in cloth. When my great-grandpa unwrapped it he saw a brand new pocket watch. Just the kind he had always wanted. And not just any pocket watch. But a silver one with intricate etchings on it. A beautiful handmade watch. Turns out his dad had been saving for that watch for over 12 years. I cant imagine the love he must of had for his son. That has been the most dearest earthly possession to my great-grandpa. And now it has been passed to me. I'm not going to carry it, not really my style. And its worn now and scratched up and has a dent in the back of it. The chain went missing years ago. But sometimes I go and unwrap that watch and just think about the love that my great-grandpas dad had for him. They had a leaky roof on their house for years. Poor heat in the winter time. Shoes where the toes poked out and not a lot of food. But his son had the best, most beautiful watch that money could buy.

I am brought to tears by the love that God must have for me. And I know I can barely comprehend his love. He turned his back on Jesus for me. And here's the mind blowing part of it all. God doesn't even ask that we try and earn it. God wants our undivided devotion and time and love. He wants us to be in step with his rhythm and timing. And even though we cant somehow earn this gift, or live good enough to justify it. That doesn't mean we can live willy-nilly. Because when I do live on my own, when I am not passionately seeking him. Then I cheapen that moment. And I don't want any part of that.

So maybe I'll start wearing that pocket watch. I'll keep it clean and give it some use. Even if it is out of style or not cool now. It has so much love attached to it. It would be a shame to keep such a great gift in a drawer somewhere. After all gifts are given for a purpose.

Jesus,
May I daily see the painful beauty of the gift you have given me.
May I not squander my inheritance.
Help me live my life in a manner that is pleasing to you.

Give me the opportunities and the boldness to tell others of the greatest love ever know.
Thank you for being my sun in a dark world and for giving my life meaning!
I rejoice in your light and love!
Please be proud of me Father.
I love you.