my desert

I had a dream last night. I'm not sure what it means. Here it is...

I'm walking towards a destination that I cant see. I'm not ever really sure of the destination, only that I have to get there. I'm in the desert and its night time. It is very hot and my mouth is so dry that I am having trouble breathing. It feels like I have been on this journey forever, and there isn't an end in sight. There is no rest, no shelter, no water that I am aware of. I see no signs of life. And I'm asking myself why I am out here. And then I remember that I am on a journey and this is the way. But I cant remember how I know this is the way or where I'm going. So I continue...walking into nowhere...thirsty...

I awoke from my dream feeling a sense of hopelessness. Was there no point to my journey? I cant shake the dream. I have been thinking about it off and on today. Maybe there is no meaning in it. Maybe I need stop watching sci-fi. Or maybe Gods trying to speak to me.

mmm... vomit

The other day I watched one of my favorites movies, The Shawshank Redemption. I have seen the movie probably 25 times. It is a great story of hope and redemption, something that is lacking in our culture and in movies today. And I noticed something new this time. You see I always follow the main character, Andy. This time the story of one of the other inmates really stuck out to me. His names is Brooks and he has been in prison most of his life. Later in the movie he gets paroled and the movie follows him for a while. He is in his seventies when he gets out. He lives in a half-way house for ex-cons. Bags groceries at the local grocery store. And he is miserable. All he can think about it committing a crime so he will get sent back to prison. The plot sticks with him as he struggles to adjust to a new life. And you cant help but be confused. He misses prison? He is free for the first time in over fifty years and he cant seem to live. Not being able to bring himself to commit a crime, he hangs himself in his room. Every time I watch that part it brings me to tears. How can someone who finally has freedom kill himself? Wouldn't you embrace life and start every morning by running and laughing as the sun rises and the day starts? I always dismissed it as just a movie and no one would really do that in his situation.

A couple days ago I was struggling with some stuff. Past things. You probably know what I'm talking about. When your past gets in the way of your future. God is doing some amazing things in my life and is starting to reveal his plans for me. And I find myself scared and living in fear. And I find myself thinking about how things used to be and longing for those days.

And it hit me. I'm Brooks. I know why Brooks killed himself. Why even in freedom he decided to end his life. Sometimes prison and bondage is all we know. And even as horrible as it is, it is familiar. Brooks had community in prison. He knew when he was going to eat and sleep. It was known to him. In a weird way it was safe.

I feel such a pull on my life. An excitement for the future. About how God is redeeming me and is going to use me in his plans for this world. But I also feel the pull of my past sometimes. As horrible as it was, it is familiar to me.

I have a dog named Maggie. She is an awesome dog. Never chews up stuff, always excited to see me, loves to cuddle and just hang with me. The only thing that is ever a drag is when shes sick. Every now and then she will just puke. So we go into the backyard so she can get it all out. And I have to stay with her or else after she is done she will start chowing down on her barf. Its pretty disgusting. I am reading through Proverbs right now. I was reading Proverbs 26:11 earlier, it says "As a dog returns to its vomit, so fools repeat their folly."

How messed up is that? We are convicted about things in our life, behaviors, relationships, sin. So we "vomit" them up and then submit to Gods will. How often do we find ourselves poking around that old vomit pile? In the face of ultimate freedom in Christ we return to the puke that living our own way brought.

Its funny, I remember watching Brooks in the movie and thinking what a waste. His friends called him "institutionalized". But you and I know he couldn't let go of his past. How much more deadly can it be for us?

I will not be ruled by my past. I will not live in fear or make decisions based on fear. I will not be institutionalized by this world. I hope you wont be also. Because we are free in Christ. Sometimes we forget that. And that can be deadly to our soul.

If you havent seen the movie I highly suggest you watch it. Better yet call me and I'll watch it with you.

Most importantly... LIVE FREE IN CHRIST!!!

awakenings

So I have been reading the book of Hebrews lately. Honestly it's taking longer than I thought. I have read it before but somehow not like this. Man what a book! When I think about Christ dying on the cross I usually think of the physical pain that he went through. And I also think of the emotional pain he went through. I guess the Passion of The Christ movie kinda helps make that part real. But I am starting to realize the spiritual pain that he must have went through. And how that was so much worse than the physical and emotional. I have always heard that he "was separated from the Father" when he died on the cross. How can he be separated? Number one, he is God. Number two, what would make God separate from his only son? What a strange question/statement Jesus cried on the cross. "My God, my God, why have you forsaken me? How did God forsake Jesus? I always thought that doesn't make sense, because Jesus died willingly. But now I start to understand how heartbreaking it must have been for God the Father to see his son like that. I realize that Jesus didn't just stand up and say "Yeah I'll take the blame for them, I'll take their sin". Somehow he BECAME our sin. And he was spared nothing in the way he died. It breaks my heart to to know that I play a part in that moment. That moment when Jesus became my sin. And because God can have no part of darkness and sin, he had to look away. And here's the kicker that really makes me want to fall on my face and groan. That I still choose to continue to be a part of that moment. That sometimes I make a mockery of the most special thing that has ever happened in all of existence.

Through no fault or doing of his own, Jesus felt more blame, hurt and abandonment that any of us will ever feel. And he did it so that we can have a relationship with him. I cant stand the fact that sometimes I still make him feel those feelings now.

I guess it has just really shocked me. This realization that he didn't just choose to die for us. But he took everything that came with it. Being one with his father and then being separated. Who would choose that? To be there in the beginning and then leave that relationship? What kind of love is this? The word love doesn't seem to fit.

I have received a lot of gifts over the course of my life. I have gotten video games and clothing and too many things to remember. But the coolest gift I have ever received from anyone is a really old pocket watch. When my great-grandpa was a kid his family was really poor. They were farmers and their lives changed from season to season based on the crops and livestock they grew. It was a hard way of life. By the time my great-grandpa was 4 years old he was working in the fields. Gifts just didn't happen, even for birthdays. And it always bothered my great-grandpas dad that he couldn't afford to buy his son a gift. When my great-grandpa turned 15 his dad came to him. He didn't speak, he wasn't a man of words. He gave him something wrapped in cloth. When my great-grandpa unwrapped it he saw a brand new pocket watch. Just the kind he had always wanted. And not just any pocket watch. But a silver one with intricate etchings on it. A beautiful handmade watch. Turns out his dad had been saving for that watch for over 12 years. I cant imagine the love he must of had for his son. That has been the most dearest earthly possession to my great-grandpa. And now it has been passed to me. I'm not going to carry it, not really my style. And its worn now and scratched up and has a dent in the back of it. The chain went missing years ago. But sometimes I go and unwrap that watch and just think about the love that my great-grandpas dad had for him. They had a leaky roof on their house for years. Poor heat in the winter time. Shoes where the toes poked out and not a lot of food. But his son had the best, most beautiful watch that money could buy.

I am brought to tears by the love that God must have for me. And I know I can barely comprehend his love. He turned his back on Jesus for me. And here's the mind blowing part of it all. God doesn't even ask that we try and earn it. God wants our undivided devotion and time and love. He wants us to be in step with his rhythm and timing. And even though we cant somehow earn this gift, or live good enough to justify it. That doesn't mean we can live willy-nilly. Because when I do live on my own, when I am not passionately seeking him. Then I cheapen that moment. And I don't want any part of that.

So maybe I'll start wearing that pocket watch. I'll keep it clean and give it some use. Even if it is out of style or not cool now. It has so much love attached to it. It would be a shame to keep such a great gift in a drawer somewhere. After all gifts are given for a purpose.

Jesus,
May I daily see the painful beauty of the gift you have given me.
May I not squander my inheritance.
Help me live my life in a manner that is pleasing to you.

Give me the opportunities and the boldness to tell others of the greatest love ever know.
Thank you for being my sun in a dark world and for giving my life meaning!
I rejoice in your light and love!
Please be proud of me Father.
I love you.