What is it about Walmart that makes me want to kill someone in cold blood? Now I used to be a angry and even violent person sometimes. I was unhappy in life and it came out in angry ways sometimes. But not anymore. I don't get mad easy. And typically when I do its at myself.
Today in Walmart I almost lost my mind, my witness, and possibly my freedom. There was this guy in line ahead of me. Loudly talking on his cell phone. Now I don't have a problem with people talking on their cells in public. I do it. That's the convenience of cell technology. But there are guidelines that people should follow. For instance, try not to speak loudly and face other people. They might think you are trying to include them in your convo. Or they just might not want to hear you. Back to my story. So Mr. Douche Bag is standing backwards in the check out line, facing me. Speaking loudly to his girlfriend or wife. Mr. DB starts going off on her, cussing and just letting it all hang out right there in line. My first thought is to look for another line. Not a big deal, there all always psychos at Walmart. I can just find another line. As I'm looking around at all the full lines I start to get angry. I mean here I am minding my own business, trying to get out of Walmart as quickly as possible and this freakin tool is pulling this crap in front of me. So I make up my mind that him being a giant butthead isn't going to make me get into a longer line. Everyone else around us is trying to ignore him. He's three feet from me and getting louder when I say "Excuse me, sir?". Now understand that he's looking right at me so he hears me loud and clear. He keeps right on yelling and cussing into the phone. Telling whoever he is talking to that they are a piece of *&$^ and that this is why he treats them like this. I feel my left eye start to twitch as I say again, "Excuse me sir!" Louder this time but still in a nice manner. I am watching my emotions because I am aware that he is upset and don't want to add to the testosterone level. Again he looks into my eyes because he hears me...and doesn't respond. Then he stops talking and looks at me again and says into the phone, "oh its nothing, some jackass is being rude". Ok, so this is a major turning point in the story. As he says this about me while we are making eye contact, everyone within earshot turns and looks at me. And I feel the weight of the moment. I feel that this is a crossroads so to speak. I know that whatever I do next will influence the outcome. I can feel the heat coming from my face as I am sure I turn fire engine red. That's a guess on the color but probably an accurate one. As my mind is trying to comprehend what is happening, he looks at me and smirks.
Let me ask you a question? Have you ever been so mad that you saw red? I have. I am so angry at this moment that I am literally seeing in one color; red. I had no idea what to do. People are looking at me like I should do something. The old couple behind me leave, they leave their cart and groceries. I remember thinking "man I hope when I get old I don't become a coward like that". I felt like I was in "Left Behind", you remember the book series about the end of days? Where people just disappear. Those old people ninja'd out of there so quick, you barely saw it. It was like they had this planned in case this ever happened. Most people have a plan for like if a fire breaks out, or an earthquake or some other emergency. Not this old couple. They had been preparing for this moment their whole life. For when things go bad at "The Walmarts". Reading up on this kind of thing, discussing it. And I am pretty sure when it went down today, he looked at his wife and he said very calmly, "its time", and she looked at him and they just knew this was the moment. They left and never looked back.
Anyway, back to the event. I am thinking to myself how do I not get into a fight with this loudmouth idiot at this point? Because still, retreat was not an option. Especially now with other people watching. So as I am trying to figure out what to say or do the lady in front of him asks him if he could watch his language in front of her children. He then turns to her and tells her to mind her business. She then responds that her children, and what they hear are her business. He then tells her that if she doesn't like what hes saying that she can take her ^&^$ kids and go away. This is another one of those moments where time seems to stand still. Where your mind almost cant make sense of whats happening. No one says anything at this point. The douche bagger isn't even talking on the phone anymore. Hes just standing there kinda looking around. I think he knew he crossed the line.
Now in my mind at this moment I see myself ramming his head into the magazine stand over and over. And when he falls to the ground I use his own shopping cart as a weapon and slam it into him over and over and over. And them maybe spraying some of the air freshener he had in his cart in his eyes to permanently blind him. Maybe he will be nicer to others if he has a major disability.
All I can say is this. I am stupid and God is very good to me. Here's what happened next. I take a couple steps forward so that I am standing inside this guys bubble. Our faces are maybe a foot apart. And I think he finally starts to understand that he has crossed the line with his behavior. He is still holding the phone to his ear but I have his attention now. I tell him to hang up his phone. He starts to say something. I interrupt him and tell him again very slowly and very softly to hang up his phone. I think he could tell by my demeanor and my face that I was dreaming different ways of killing him. Maybe somehow he knew that I was thinking about taking one of the cigarette lighters off the shelf beside him and lighting his clothes on fire, and then laughing madly while he was burning. I think he got that. He hangs up his phone and puts it in his pocket and just stares at me.
This is one of the weirdest moments of my life. I have no idea where to go from here. Time stood still. We are all just looking at each other. I had a heightened sense of what was happening around me. I see a smokin hot girl three lanes over reading a magazine. I see some random guy picking his nose. Somehow I am vaguely aware that red seedless grapes are on sale. I was floating above myself looking down at myself.
So I come out of my zen-like moment and see the cashier talking to a manager and looking our way. They are just watching, because like I said at this point we are all just looking at each other. The DB starts to say something again. Now I'm praying. I realize I may have made a mistake and bitten off more than I can chew. I ask God to guide my words and I start speaking. I tell him to turn around and leave and not say anything. He just keeps looking at me. So then I tell him again to leave, and I add that if he doest then I will assist him out of the store to his car. He stares at me for about five more seconds and he turns and he walks off, leaving his cart where it is. Now a manager lady is making her way to us. She looks puzzled. We still cant believe what just went down. And we cant believe that this guy, after all his bravado and cursing and F-bomb dropping just walks away. The manager looks at us, looks at the two separate abandoned full carts. One behind me and one in front of me. Then she looks back at me and ask me if everything was ok. I managed somehow to speak and I tell her that yes everything is fine. She ask where the people went, pointing at the carts. I tell her they had to leave. She then looks at the lady in front of us. And the lady says "yeah, he had to go." So the manager and some other employee (security I think) start walking after the douche bag, who is rounding the end lane headed to the door. We couldn't see them at this point.
The lady looks at me and says,"thank you so much." I didn't know what to say. I have this moment of realizing that this all could have gone the other way very easily. And I start thanking God that he kept me safe and led that man to leave. My adrenaline is going full speed and I find myself breathing heavy and almost dizzy. I take a couple deep breaths and feel better. I tell the lady "your welcome." And the lady goes on and on about how brave I am to step up and say something in that situation. Shes checking out at this point, and the cashier lady is asking all bout what went down, having seen a little at the end of it. They are going on and on rehashing it and all I want to do is get out of there. It seems to take forever but shes finally done and I'm ready to leave and she turns to me and tells me one last time how brave I am. The cashier tells me how brave I am. I mumble through it, so ready to get out of Walmart and never ever return.
I turn right to go out the doors to my car and what do I see? Mr. Douche Bag. And who is he talking to? Walmart security and about three other employees. And guess what? Hes getting frustrated. And then I see the old couple that was behind me. They had went and told the manager at the front of the store. Mr. DB was now talking louder and gesturing wildly. You can tell that no one is buying it. But I panic. Did I do something wrong? Not illegal but still. And then I see the old guy. He is the only one that can see me. He looks at me and grins and winks. We had one of those moments where no words are needed. Weird. Me and a complete stranger. He then nods, motioning towards the opposite doors, away from them. I nod once more and head out. Thanking God not only for watching out for me, but also for the old man that I thought had cowered out but really had my back.
Sometimes I get down on older people. They drive too slow, they smell funny. And lets face it, they are cranky most of the time. But there was a lesson here today. Use your head, not your emotions. He was smart. He sought help from the right people, even if they did take forever to respond.
Cape isn't too big of a town and I hope mine and the old mans path cross again. I would like to buy him a cup of coffee. Thank him, and see what other wisdom he can impart.
Today I learned a lesson from an old man. And old, smart ninja.
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