Whats wrong?

OK so I promise that all my post aren't going to be real heavy.  Believe me, most of the time I'm not that.  But lately it has really hit me just how selfish and ungrateful I am.  No matter how good I have it or what God has blessed me with I continue to look at others and say "hey, why don't I have that"?  I'm serious.  Whats wrong with my spirit that I can't look at all the things God has blessed me with and be happy?  I thought maybe just recognizing this fact would be the cure, but it isn't.  I have heard some say that this is an American problem.  This sense of entitlement or that somehow I deserve these things.  And I'm talking in a wide scope because I find this problem in all areas of my life.  Whats wrong with me when I am jealous of someones spiritual gifts?  When I'm jealous of someones relationship with another person?  Jealous of a job, or sometimes just the fact that some people seem to have it all figured out and have a sense of direction.  I was speaking to a good friend of mine today about this.  He told me that I have an identity problem.  Jealousy speaks of a deeper issue.  That somehow I am not comfortable with who I am in Christ.  And as I process and pray about what he said to me, it rings true.  I am not sure who I am in Christ.  And that partly comes from me not allowing myself to be loved by God.  

I recently read a book called "The Shack".  It's a story of a man who is dealing with a loss.  The loss of his daughter.  But he is dealing with more than that.  He is coming to the realization that he doesn't have any clue who God really is.  I read this book after my grandma past away.  And it broke me.  My relationship with my earthly father has so affected what my relationship with my heavenly father has looked like.  Because I have never trusted my earthly father I projected those feelings and attributes onto God.  All God wanted to do after my grandma died was to step in and comfort me and love me.  But I never allowed him to do that.  I didn't see it as his role.  I have always been uncomfortable when people referred to God as father.  And it almost made me angry when I have heard some call him dad or daddy.  

Well I am finally starting to allow God to love me the way he wants.  It has been a real step of faith for me to engage him and believe that he has my best interest at heart.  I guess sometimes we get so used to our fathers or others here on earth letting us down or leaving us that we sometimes think God might be just as crappy. But I tell you as I am just at the beginning of this journey with God I am finding out some cool stuff.  I am finding that God is very real.  What I mean by that is he isnt just a thought or a notion or an ideal.  He wants to be part of my daily life.  He is passionatly pursuing me.  ME!  The thought that the Creator of everything that ever was and everything that ever will be is constantly pursuing me as an individual is sometimes hard to understand.  I am also learning that if I will belive even when I dont "feel" him or when it doesnt make sense, that God will surprise me and sometimes shock me with the way he loves me and operates in my life. I think my head has probably come close to exploding a few times in the last couple months.  As I start to get a glimpse, a hint of who God is.  Not who the church says, or who my grandparents said.  Or religion or anyone else.  But who He is revealing himself to be in my life.  And it has been amazing, and honestly sometimes frightening.  

Some closing thoughts and questions I had. 

Sometimes we get so focused on the things we don't have that we don't even see what we do have.  How arrogant and ungrateful am I that I don't even thank the Creator for all that I have?

What would happen if I took the time that I spent on being jealous of other people and their blessings and used it to pursue God and develop my own gifts?  What would that look like?

All we can do is lay this selfish/human problem down everyday. 

Heres my prayer for today :

God I am so sorry for being blind of the gifts you have given me.  I know that the only thing I deserve is hell.  And that you have saved me from that by your Son and your grace.  Remove me Lord.  Decrease me so that you can increase.  I'm sick of doing things my way.  Forgive my arrogance Lord. I am hopeless and powerless without you.  Please help me to be thankful for and engage the gifts you have given me.  Help me to see that you have a reason for me being unique.  And that I will be like no one else.  Let me fashion my life after no man.  Help me be more like you Jesus.  With you eyes and your heart for people.  Thank you for forgiveness and salvation. Praise you God for your glory.  Reveal yourself to me in my life.  You are truly beautiful and holy.

Amen.