my desert

I had a dream last night. I'm not sure what it means. Here it is...

I'm walking towards a destination that I cant see. I'm not ever really sure of the destination, only that I have to get there. I'm in the desert and its night time. It is very hot and my mouth is so dry that I am having trouble breathing. It feels like I have been on this journey forever, and there isn't an end in sight. There is no rest, no shelter, no water that I am aware of. I see no signs of life. And I'm asking myself why I am out here. And then I remember that I am on a journey and this is the way. But I cant remember how I know this is the way or where I'm going. So I continue...walking into nowhere...thirsty...

I awoke from my dream feeling a sense of hopelessness. Was there no point to my journey? I cant shake the dream. I have been thinking about it off and on today. Maybe there is no meaning in it. Maybe I need stop watching sci-fi. Or maybe Gods trying to speak to me.

mmm... vomit

The other day I watched one of my favorites movies, The Shawshank Redemption. I have seen the movie probably 25 times. It is a great story of hope and redemption, something that is lacking in our culture and in movies today. And I noticed something new this time. You see I always follow the main character, Andy. This time the story of one of the other inmates really stuck out to me. His names is Brooks and he has been in prison most of his life. Later in the movie he gets paroled and the movie follows him for a while. He is in his seventies when he gets out. He lives in a half-way house for ex-cons. Bags groceries at the local grocery store. And he is miserable. All he can think about it committing a crime so he will get sent back to prison. The plot sticks with him as he struggles to adjust to a new life. And you cant help but be confused. He misses prison? He is free for the first time in over fifty years and he cant seem to live. Not being able to bring himself to commit a crime, he hangs himself in his room. Every time I watch that part it brings me to tears. How can someone who finally has freedom kill himself? Wouldn't you embrace life and start every morning by running and laughing as the sun rises and the day starts? I always dismissed it as just a movie and no one would really do that in his situation.

A couple days ago I was struggling with some stuff. Past things. You probably know what I'm talking about. When your past gets in the way of your future. God is doing some amazing things in my life and is starting to reveal his plans for me. And I find myself scared and living in fear. And I find myself thinking about how things used to be and longing for those days.

And it hit me. I'm Brooks. I know why Brooks killed himself. Why even in freedom he decided to end his life. Sometimes prison and bondage is all we know. And even as horrible as it is, it is familiar. Brooks had community in prison. He knew when he was going to eat and sleep. It was known to him. In a weird way it was safe.

I feel such a pull on my life. An excitement for the future. About how God is redeeming me and is going to use me in his plans for this world. But I also feel the pull of my past sometimes. As horrible as it was, it is familiar to me.

I have a dog named Maggie. She is an awesome dog. Never chews up stuff, always excited to see me, loves to cuddle and just hang with me. The only thing that is ever a drag is when shes sick. Every now and then she will just puke. So we go into the backyard so she can get it all out. And I have to stay with her or else after she is done she will start chowing down on her barf. Its pretty disgusting. I am reading through Proverbs right now. I was reading Proverbs 26:11 earlier, it says "As a dog returns to its vomit, so fools repeat their folly."

How messed up is that? We are convicted about things in our life, behaviors, relationships, sin. So we "vomit" them up and then submit to Gods will. How often do we find ourselves poking around that old vomit pile? In the face of ultimate freedom in Christ we return to the puke that living our own way brought.

Its funny, I remember watching Brooks in the movie and thinking what a waste. His friends called him "institutionalized". But you and I know he couldn't let go of his past. How much more deadly can it be for us?

I will not be ruled by my past. I will not live in fear or make decisions based on fear. I will not be institutionalized by this world. I hope you wont be also. Because we are free in Christ. Sometimes we forget that. And that can be deadly to our soul.

If you havent seen the movie I highly suggest you watch it. Better yet call me and I'll watch it with you.

Most importantly... LIVE FREE IN CHRIST!!!

awakenings

So I have been reading the book of Hebrews lately. Honestly it's taking longer than I thought. I have read it before but somehow not like this. Man what a book! When I think about Christ dying on the cross I usually think of the physical pain that he went through. And I also think of the emotional pain he went through. I guess the Passion of The Christ movie kinda helps make that part real. But I am starting to realize the spiritual pain that he must have went through. And how that was so much worse than the physical and emotional. I have always heard that he "was separated from the Father" when he died on the cross. How can he be separated? Number one, he is God. Number two, what would make God separate from his only son? What a strange question/statement Jesus cried on the cross. "My God, my God, why have you forsaken me? How did God forsake Jesus? I always thought that doesn't make sense, because Jesus died willingly. But now I start to understand how heartbreaking it must have been for God the Father to see his son like that. I realize that Jesus didn't just stand up and say "Yeah I'll take the blame for them, I'll take their sin". Somehow he BECAME our sin. And he was spared nothing in the way he died. It breaks my heart to to know that I play a part in that moment. That moment when Jesus became my sin. And because God can have no part of darkness and sin, he had to look away. And here's the kicker that really makes me want to fall on my face and groan. That I still choose to continue to be a part of that moment. That sometimes I make a mockery of the most special thing that has ever happened in all of existence.

Through no fault or doing of his own, Jesus felt more blame, hurt and abandonment that any of us will ever feel. And he did it so that we can have a relationship with him. I cant stand the fact that sometimes I still make him feel those feelings now.

I guess it has just really shocked me. This realization that he didn't just choose to die for us. But he took everything that came with it. Being one with his father and then being separated. Who would choose that? To be there in the beginning and then leave that relationship? What kind of love is this? The word love doesn't seem to fit.

I have received a lot of gifts over the course of my life. I have gotten video games and clothing and too many things to remember. But the coolest gift I have ever received from anyone is a really old pocket watch. When my great-grandpa was a kid his family was really poor. They were farmers and their lives changed from season to season based on the crops and livestock they grew. It was a hard way of life. By the time my great-grandpa was 4 years old he was working in the fields. Gifts just didn't happen, even for birthdays. And it always bothered my great-grandpas dad that he couldn't afford to buy his son a gift. When my great-grandpa turned 15 his dad came to him. He didn't speak, he wasn't a man of words. He gave him something wrapped in cloth. When my great-grandpa unwrapped it he saw a brand new pocket watch. Just the kind he had always wanted. And not just any pocket watch. But a silver one with intricate etchings on it. A beautiful handmade watch. Turns out his dad had been saving for that watch for over 12 years. I cant imagine the love he must of had for his son. That has been the most dearest earthly possession to my great-grandpa. And now it has been passed to me. I'm not going to carry it, not really my style. And its worn now and scratched up and has a dent in the back of it. The chain went missing years ago. But sometimes I go and unwrap that watch and just think about the love that my great-grandpas dad had for him. They had a leaky roof on their house for years. Poor heat in the winter time. Shoes where the toes poked out and not a lot of food. But his son had the best, most beautiful watch that money could buy.

I am brought to tears by the love that God must have for me. And I know I can barely comprehend his love. He turned his back on Jesus for me. And here's the mind blowing part of it all. God doesn't even ask that we try and earn it. God wants our undivided devotion and time and love. He wants us to be in step with his rhythm and timing. And even though we cant somehow earn this gift, or live good enough to justify it. That doesn't mean we can live willy-nilly. Because when I do live on my own, when I am not passionately seeking him. Then I cheapen that moment. And I don't want any part of that.

So maybe I'll start wearing that pocket watch. I'll keep it clean and give it some use. Even if it is out of style or not cool now. It has so much love attached to it. It would be a shame to keep such a great gift in a drawer somewhere. After all gifts are given for a purpose.

Jesus,
May I daily see the painful beauty of the gift you have given me.
May I not squander my inheritance.
Help me live my life in a manner that is pleasing to you.

Give me the opportunities and the boldness to tell others of the greatest love ever know.
Thank you for being my sun in a dark world and for giving my life meaning!
I rejoice in your light and love!
Please be proud of me Father.
I love you.

Vampires anyone?

So I sit here writing this in between trips to the can. I cant count the times I have physically exploded over the last 2 days. Thank God for indoor plumbing. I don't know why I got a flu shot, I'm convinced now that it has no practical value whatsoever. Anyway nothing really funny in this blog. I get really depressed and dark and sarcastic when I get sick. It makes me miss my grandma even more, she used to be the one who would take care of me and fuss over me when I would get sick. At least I have some books to read while I'm sick.

I was running a fever last night and I dreamt that I was a vampire. My name was Luscious and I was 400 years old. I had traveled the world and seen amazing things. And somehow I would up as a dishwasher at Ryan's in Cape. That's how depressed I get when I'm sick. Even in my own fantasy world where I am immortal and anything can happen, I am a dishwasher.

OK well I got to go. I need to pass out again. Peace be with you.

its all a matter of timing...

Sorry I haven't kept up lately with the blog.  I got really busy with Cafe.  But now things are somewhat slower and I'm back baby yeah!  Man things are happening too.  I finished EMT school in July and have been looking for a job in the area ever since.  I had a couple interviews but not much luck with anything.  Its been really frustrating to hit dead end after dead end.  I have been praying lately for a job and that God would reveal his will for me.  And I gotta be honest, these have been some lean times of late.  Its funny, I have been hearing a lot about being thankful about what we have.  This is the time of year where we should take stock at our blessings and what we have.  And maybe its just me, but sometimes its in the lean times when you truly learn to be thankful.  My heater went out in my car and I just got it fixed a week ago.  But it was awhile before I could get it fixed.  So over the course of a few cold weeks as I drove around freezing in my car, I started thinking about people that live in that kind of condition all the time.  And my focus started to shift from myself being cold and inconvenienced, to where I started praying and thinking more about people less fortunate than me.  There are people in this world that would love to have my car, even if it has no heat.  

Well I finally got my heat fixed, and now every time I get in my car I thank God for what I have.  That's something you never really think about, like heat in your car.  You never miss it until its gone.  It seems like the more stuff we have the less in touch we are with the rest of the world.  Our focus shifts from others to ourselves.  I think Puff Daddy was right when he said "Mo money, mo problems."  I think that goes with other things too.  Mo stuff, mo problems.  I know that's the way it is with me anyway.  God has taught me something about prayer and his timing also.  I guess most of us are impatient when it comes to prayer.  I have been praying for a job for months now.  And I have read that Gods timing is not ours.  And I've come to realize that of course that is true.  But also that Gods timing is not just different than ours.  But it is so much better than ours.  I cant see the big picture, but in those times, I need to trust that God can.  And trust that he has my best interest at heart.  

This last Friday God went above and beyond answering my prayers.  He blessed me with more than I asked for.  Now only did I get a great job, but at a reputable and awesome place to work.  Pretty much the place that I would pick if it was up to me.  Much praise to God for blessing me.  And also thanks to all my friends who have been praying for me.  I know that this was a direct result of people lifting me up.  Thanks. 

Oh How He Loves

I have heard this song before but never really let the words set it.  I love it.  Here is a video of John Mark McMillan performing it.  I never knew the backstory to the song, its pretty cool.  I listed the lyrics below.

He is jealous for me,

Loves like a hurricane, I am a tree,

Bending beneath the weight of his wind and mercy.

When all of a sudden,

I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory,

And I realize just how beautiful You are,

And how great Your affections are for me.

Pre-Chorus:

And oh, how He loves us so,

Oh how He loves us,

How He loves us all

Chorus:

Yeah, He loves us,

Oh how He loves us,

Oh how He loves us,

Oh how He loves.

Verse 2:

We are His portion and He is our prize,

Drawn to redemption by the grace in His eyes,

If grace is an ocean, we’re all sinking.

So Heaven meets earth like a sloppy wet kiss,

And the heart turns violently inside of my chest,

I don’t have time to maintain these regrets, 

When I think about, the way…

Chorus 1:

He loves us,

Oh how He loves us,

Oh how He loves us,

Oh how He loves.

an old ninja

I want to share this with you because maybe you can see the same lesson I did.  Also because some of its pretty funny.  But don't misread anything.  I acted stupidly.  Not bravely.  If God had not had mercy on me this could have gone very differently.

What is it about Walmart that makes me want to kill someone in cold blood?  Now I used to be a angry and even violent person sometimes.  I was unhappy in life and it came out in angry ways sometimes.  But not anymore.  I don't get mad easy.  And typically when I do its at myself.  

Today in Walmart I almost lost my mind, my witness, and possibly my freedom.  There was this guy in line ahead of me.  Loudly talking on his cell phone.  Now I don't have a problem with people talking on their cells in public. I do it.  That's the convenience of cell technology. But there are guidelines that people should follow.  For instance, try not to speak loudly and face other people. They might think you are trying to include them in your convo.  Or they just might not want to hear you.  Back to my story.  So Mr. Douche Bag is standing backwards in the check out line, facing me. Speaking loudly to his girlfriend or wife.  Mr. DB starts going off on her, cussing and just letting it all hang out right there in line. My first thought is to look for another line.  Not a big deal, there all always psychos at Walmart.  I can just find another line.  As I'm looking around at all the full lines I start to get angry.  I mean here I am minding my own business, trying to get out of Walmart as quickly as possible and this freakin tool is pulling this crap in front of me.  So I make up my mind that him being a giant butthead isn't going to make me get into a longer line.  Everyone else around us is trying to ignore him.  He's three feet from me and getting louder when I say "Excuse me, sir?".  Now understand that he's looking right at me so he hears me loud and clear.  He keeps right on yelling and cussing into the phone.  Telling whoever he is talking to that they are a piece of *&$^ and that this is why he treats them like this.  I feel my left eye start to twitch as I say again, "Excuse me sir!"  Louder this time but still in a nice manner.  I am watching my emotions because I am aware that he is upset and don't want to add to the testosterone level.  Again he looks into my eyes because he hears me...and doesn't respond.  Then he stops talking and looks at me again and says into the phone, "oh its nothing, some jackass is being rude".  Ok, so this is a major turning point in the story.  As he says this about me while we are making eye contact, everyone within earshot turns and looks at me.  And I feel the weight of the moment.  I feel that this is a crossroads so to speak.  I know that whatever I do next will influence the outcome.  I can feel the heat coming from my face as I am sure I turn fire engine red.  That's a guess on the color but probably an accurate one.  As my mind is trying to comprehend what is happening, he looks at me and smirks.  

Let me ask you a question?  Have you ever been so mad that you saw red?  I have.  I am so angry at this moment that I am literally seeing in one color; red.  I had no idea what to do.  People are looking at me like I should do something.  The old couple behind me leave, they leave their cart and groceries.  I remember thinking "man I hope when I get old I don't become a coward like that".  I felt like I was in "Left Behind", you remember the book series about the end of days?  Where people just disappear.  Those old people ninja'd out of there so quick, you barely saw it.  It was like they had this planned in case this ever happened. Most people have a plan for like if a fire breaks out, or an earthquake or some other emergency.  Not this old couple. They had been preparing for this moment their whole life.  For when things go bad at "The Walmarts".  Reading up on this kind of thing, discussing it.  And I am pretty sure when it went down today, he looked at his wife and he said very calmly, "its time", and she looked at him and they just knew this was the moment.  They left and never looked back.  

Anyway, back to the event.  I am thinking to myself how do I not get into a fight with this loudmouth idiot at this point?  Because still, retreat was not an option.  Especially now with other people watching.  So as I am trying to figure out what to say or do the lady in front of him asks him if he could watch his language in front of her children.  He then turns to her and tells her to mind her business.  She then responds that her children, and what they hear are her business.  He then tells her that if she doesn't like what hes saying that she can take her ^&^$ kids and go away.  This is another one of those moments where time seems to stand still. Where your mind almost cant make sense of whats happening.  No one says anything at this point.  The douche bagger isn't even talking on the phone anymore.  Hes just standing there kinda looking around.  I think he knew he crossed the line.  

Now in my mind at this moment I see myself ramming his head into the magazine stand over and over.  And when he falls to the ground I use his own shopping cart as a weapon and slam it into him over and over and over.  And them maybe spraying some of the air freshener he had in his cart in his eyes to permanently blind him.  Maybe he will be nicer to others if he has a major disability.  

All I can say is this.  I am stupid and God is very good to me.  Here's what happened next.  I take a couple steps forward so that I am standing inside this guys bubble.  Our faces are maybe a foot apart.  And I think he finally starts to understand that he has crossed the line with his behavior.  He is still holding the phone to his ear but I have his attention now.  I tell him to hang up his phone.  He starts to say something.  I interrupt him and tell him again very slowly and very softly to hang up his phone. I think he could tell by my demeanor and my face that I was dreaming different ways of killing him.  Maybe somehow he knew that I was thinking about taking one of the cigarette lighters off the shelf beside him and lighting his clothes on fire, and then laughing madly while he was burning.  I think he got that.  He hangs up his phone and puts it in his pocket and just stares at me.  

This is one of the weirdest moments of my life.  I have no idea where to go from here.  Time stood still.  We are all just looking at each other.  I had a heightened sense of what was happening around me.  I see a smokin hot girl three lanes over reading a magazine.  I see some random guy picking his nose. Somehow I am vaguely aware that red seedless grapes are on sale.  I was floating above myself looking down at myself.  

So I come out of my zen-like moment and see the cashier talking to a manager and looking our way.  They are just watching, because like I said at this point we are all just looking at each other.  The DB starts to say something again.  Now I'm praying.  I realize I may have made a mistake and bitten off more than I can chew.  I ask God to guide my words and I start speaking.  I tell him to turn around and leave and not say anything.  He just keeps looking at me.  So then I tell him again to leave, and I add that if he doest then I will assist him out of the store to his car.  He stares at me for about five more seconds and he turns and he walks off, leaving his cart where it is.  Now a manager lady is making her way to us.  She looks puzzled.  We still cant believe what just went down.  And we cant believe that this guy, after all his bravado and cursing and F-bomb dropping just walks away.  The manager looks at us, looks at the two separate abandoned full carts.  One behind me and one in front of me.  Then she looks back at me and ask me if everything was ok.  I managed somehow to speak and I tell her that yes everything is fine.  She ask where the people went, pointing at the carts.  I tell her they had to leave.  She then looks at the lady in front of us.  And the lady says "yeah, he had to go."  So the manager and some other employee (security I think) start walking after the douche bag, who is rounding the end lane headed to the door.  We couldn't see them at this point.  

The lady looks at me and says,"thank you so much."  I didn't know what to say.  I have this moment of realizing that this all could have gone the other way very easily.  And I start thanking God that he kept me safe and led that man to leave.  My adrenaline is going full speed and I find myself breathing heavy and almost dizzy.  I take a couple deep breaths and feel better.  I tell the lady "your welcome."  And the lady goes on and on about how brave I am to step up and say something in that situation.  Shes checking out at this point, and the cashier lady is asking all bout what went down, having seen a little at the end of it.  They are going on and on rehashing it and all I want to do is get out of there.  It seems to take forever but shes finally done and I'm ready to leave and she turns to me and tells me one last time how brave I am.  The cashier tells me how brave I am.  I mumble through it, so ready to get out of Walmart and never ever return.  

I turn right to go out the doors to my car and what do I see?   Mr. Douche Bag.  And who is he talking to? Walmart security and about three other employees.  And guess what?  Hes getting frustrated.  And then I see the old couple that was behind me.  They had went and told the manager at the front of the store.  Mr. DB was now talking louder and gesturing wildly.  You can tell that no one is buying it.  But I panic.  Did I do something wrong? Not illegal but still.  And then I see the old guy.  He is the only one that can see me.  He looks at me and grins and winks.  We had one of those moments where no words are needed.  Weird.  Me and a complete stranger. He then nods, motioning towards the opposite doors, away from them.  I nod once more and head out. Thanking God not only for watching out for me, but also for the old man that I thought had cowered out but really had my back.  

Sometimes I get down on older people.  They drive too slow, they smell funny.  And lets face it, they are cranky most of the time.  But there was a lesson here today.  Use your head, not your emotions.  He was smart.  He sought help from the right people, even if they did take forever to respond.  

Cape isn't too big of a town and I hope mine and the old mans path cross again.  I would like to buy him a cup of coffee.  Thank him, and see what other wisdom he can impart.  

Today I learned a lesson from an old man.  And old, smart ninja.